Carolina Christmas

It was 70 degrees the other day. Naturally, it was pouring down rain. Even umbrellas were futile, given that the wind was blowing so hard. I think I would prefer some nice snow, thanks. Then my fiance could actually get some time off work. His company is so crazy they wouldn't even say "don't come in" during the ice storm when they HAD NO POWER. They left a series of messages that said check back in another two hours, check back at noon, check back at 3:00, then finally they figured the power wasn't coming back on. The message then said, "The building is without power. If you have things that are of critical importance that you can do by the light of the window, come in." I was pretty much speechless - which is rare for me, believe me. Yeah, so the streets are icy, there is ice falling off the buildings and the trees that could seriously injure you, you are probably without power and heat at your house... but come in if there's something that the company really needs you to do, K? Sheesh.

I'm Calling the Cop!

This service may not do anything at all to stop spammers, but it sure makes me feel better. Especially when I read the report from Spam Cop and see "Yum, this spam is fresh!" Mmm, fresh spam. For me to poop on!

Fran on Ice

I suppose I could share some things about the recent ice storm that hit North Carolina. (See pictures here.) Frankly, the only thing that comes to mind is "Wow, that sucked pretty hard." We were among the fortunate, though, we had power the whole time, it just flickered randomly. We had also purchased the new expansion for our crack... er, I mean... video game, so we were content save the occasional reboot due to flaky power. We would get up every so often to go look out the window at the tree that is now leaning over our porch, threatening to crush it like a grape. A grape porch. My feeling on this ice storm, along with many of the major hurricanes that pass through this area, is that it is [your deity of choice]'s way of saying YOU HAVE TOO MANY FREAKIN' TREES! Natural selection for the arbors. That sort of thing. Speaking as someone who spent an entire day recently trying to rake up all the leaves in my yard, I say, good idea.

It Had to Happen Eventually

I am 30 years old. Nobody is more surprised than I am about that. Mostly, I have been a little waffly about how I'm taking this. That's right, waffly. I have had some advice from people who have already gone through this, and it has likewise been mixed. I think the advice I liked the most is that this is the year at which one starts to come into one's own. A self-actualization milestone.

I just hope that nobody expects me to act like a grownup.

And Back to Politics Briefly


I believe
This comic pretty much sums it up. Thankyouverymuch.

Call Me Ripley

The last couple days I have had a fairly intense pain located just below my rib cage. I don't know, is that the solar plexus? Anyone? After considering several possibilities of what this might be, I have decided that I am host to an alien. My only question now is should I be eating for two? Also, do aliens prefer coffee or tea? Perhaps a nice danish?

Slow News Day

I would like to preface this by saying that we didn't have any tornadoes in North Carolina this week-end. Sure, they thought we might, and the weather took lives not too far from here. But mostly it just rained.

That being said, I think the news coverage went just a bit overboard on this whole weather topic. My fiance, being an employee of a bank, got yesterday off. He said that every five minutes there was a weather update to say OH MY GOD IT'S RAINING! RAIN HITS THE TRIANGLE! HEAVY RAIN! WE MIGHT HAVE A TORNADO! and then five minutes later STILL RAINING! RUN FOR COVER! THE SKY APPEARS TO BE FALLING! Now, this may be big news since we had a drought all summer. They didn't ever get to tell us about rain, and they saved it all up.

The other complaint I have is that there were about five accidents blocking traffic this morning because during the drought everyone forgot how to drive in rain. At least that's my theory. Did they bring us traffic every 15 minutes? Every 30? No! Traffic at 8:00, then HEAVY RAIN HITS THE TRIANGLE every 15 minutes thereafter. Hey, bozo, I can look out the window and tell that it's raining. Tell me where traffic is actually getting through.

The Carnival

When we went to the outer banks of North Carolina with my family this summer, we had great fun with the word Ocracoke. Specifically, with my father's insistence on pronouncing it "Orchid Choke". I made the analogy that his brain was like a carnival ride. The word pays admission at his ear and goes in, but by the time it comes out his mouth it is so dizzy from being on the rides in there it has no shot of being correctly pronounced.

To some, that can sound like criticism. The thing is, I wouldn't have it any other way. One of the funniest memories I have is of being in a hotel room in France somewhere with the four of us, listening to my father read the fire safety instructions in German. OK, not exactly German. But that's what made it so funny. I think my brother and I hiccuped for about an hour afterwards. Painful, but worth it. Totally. Dad may not have been granted an ear for languages, but in its stead he has been granted great humor, a real desire to help people, and a gift to put people at ease, even complete strangers. We can't go anywhere with him without running into somebody that he knows, and who wants to talk to him at length. People gravitate towards him; he is everyone's friend.

Happy Birthday, Dad. I love you.

Must... Not... Snap...

In the "Ten Items or Less" aisle this afternoon, the woman in front of me was buying 30 cans of Fancy Feast(R) catfood. Yeah, like that counts as one item. Well, it would have in my book if the cashier didn't have to stand there and count them and then SCAN ONE CAN THROUGH 30 TIMES. Beep. Beep. Beep. Ooops, missed it that time, try again. Beep. Then the customer paid with a check and had to read her driver's license number to the cashier. When it was finally my turn, the cashier asked me if I would like to stand there and fill out an application for a Winn-Dixie savings card. NO! Does the fact that I am standing in the express lane make you think I would like to hang out in the grocery store all afternoon?

In general, though, I am liking that grocery store more and more. First, they are across the street from the office. Also, they actually have an organic foods section. This is part of my cancer prevention, eating more organic foods, more fruits and vegetables, more whole grains, less partially hydrogenated oils, less dairy, no MSG, that sort of thing. Winn-Dixie even carries Amy's Kitchen(R) frozen foods. If you have not tried them, you are foolish. They are tastier than Lean Cuisine(R) and Healthy Choice(R) frozen foods put together. Also, I would wager that all the so-called healthy choice dinners have things in them that are not on my new healthy diet. I think they should be required to put the healthy in quotation marks.

Sightings on Highway 40

The onion truck: a small pickup truck going under the speed limit with its hazard lights on. There were huge bags full of onions hanging off the back, and boxes of onions below those. As I passed him, I noticed that even the passenger seat was full of onions. That man likes his onions.

The paradox: a small black car with lots of bumper stickers on the back. One read "VAMPIRE." OK, I get that, some kind of goth with a delusion. One of the others read "VEGAN AND I VOTE." OK, a vegan vampire? Either this vampire is starving to death, or it drinks the blood of poor innocent vegetables.

Intimidating

This morning I was behind a pickup truck on my way to work. When I got closer, I noticed that it had a decal across the back that said INTIMIDATOR, and a number 3 in the back window. Not really surprising, since Dale Earnhardt's following in North Carolina was, to say the least, rabid. I remember hearing a woman on the news shortly after his death saying that she had been a fan of his for all of her 21 years and just didn't know what she was going to do now. The only thing that bothered me about the pickup truck was that as I got closer, I realized that right in the middle of his "intimidator" decal was a picture of... Betty Boop. Yeah, I have always been intimidated by her.

Charging Blindly Ahead Into Politics

For me, This article pretty much sums it up. I know it's cheating to just quote somebody else and say, "Yep, I'm with him." But rarely have I been so captivated by an article, especially one that I picked up for free while having my car worked on.

The BBC World News

I enjoy the perspective I get from listening to the BBC World News in the morning. For example, I heard Peter Jennings on television this morning saying something like:

Will President Bush be able to convince a reluctant United Nations of the need to attack Iraq?

OK, now that puts a slant on it, doesn't it? I mean, it pits him as David against Goliath, doesn't it? But wait.. wait... what if we actually don't need to attach Iraq? What then? On the BBC World News this morning:

Will the United States be able to strongarm the United Nations into agreeing to an attack on Iraq? And if so, will the UN have any credibility left?

What I don't understand is why. Why bomb the haystack to kill the needle? How many innocent people get killed that way? Just to avoid making this an ultra-serious post, I also enjoy listening to the BBC to hear certain reporters call him "Meester Booosh." We meet again, Meester Booosh.

Our Modern World

I really enjoyed the Rolling Requiem idea for today, and listened to the local one on the radio today. In case you had not heard of it, Mozart's Requiem was sung in 21 time zones today, each starting at 8:46 in that particular time zone (the time of the first plane crash).

On the other hand, our building managers are holding a commemorative... conference call.

Two-Loop Bob

My favorite post from the (finally updated!) Computer Stupidities page:

"First call, Monday morning. I knew it was going to be one of those days right from the start. The call wasn't going well at all. Bob, the customer, just wasn't getting it.

Me: Ok, Bob, type a capital 'B', then press enter.
Bob: A capital B?
Me: Right, capital 'B' as in Bob.
Bob: Capital 'B' as in Bob?
Me: Exactly. Capital B as in Bob!
Bob: (long pause) That's the one with two loops, right?

He became known as Two-Loop Bob from that moment on. His saga has been passed down from each call center generation to the next."

"Two-Loop Bob" shall henceforth be my univeral put-down. Muah.

Boobs, Post Script

Done with radiation! I had a chat with the nurse, and she told me that I can expect to be a little tired now and then, I may have some pain in my shoulder or my rib cage, and all the skin will peel off my boob. All the... what?? Great, that will be attractive. Of course, it is still a fairly bright shade of red at this point.

My fiance says that I look like I have been driving with one boob stuck out the window.

Boobs, Week 7: The Final Week

As of this morning, I only have two more treatments left. These final ones are focused on the site of the cancer, and so the underside of poor Lefty is already on the mend. In order to target the correct area, we had a ten-minute holding still session, followed by the ceremonial drawing of a circle-ish shape on my boob. Now, I am part of their tribe.

I'm not supposed to wash the circle off, since they need it for the last five treatments. You know how mothers tell their children to wear clean underwear in case they are in an accident? I have been a tad fearful that I will get in an accident this week and they will have to cut off my clothes. What do you think paramedics would make of, say, a bright blue circle on the victim's boob? Yeah, that's what I thought, too.

Nuggets of Wisdom

-For food safety, you should wash your hands for the amount of time it takes to sing the first verse of Old MacDonald.

-It is nearly impossible to get the song Old MacDonald out of your head, once it is stuck there.

-There is a combination laundromat/tanning salon in Delaware Ohio. It is called the Wash and Tan.

-When older people get married, there will be Viagra jokes.

-Bob Evans is everywhere.

The Leprechaun Gets Hitched

We were in Michigan for a few days, for my fiance's grandmother's wedding. Yes, his grandmother. She will be 70 this year. She stands about 4'11" so we occasionally call her a leprechaun. Anyway, she met a guy through a friend of hers, and started meeting him for breakfast at McDonald's every morning. After a great deal of soul searching ("I'm never getting married again, no way!") she decided to marry him. She was pretty cute about the whole relationship, for months she denied that he was her boyfriend ("We're just friends!"), and so forth. Despite my continual playing of "Here Comes the Bride" the day before the ceremony, she flatly refused to walk down the aisle. She did ask me to play a prelude... ten minutes beforehand. But it turned out OK, I mean, at least nobody left. I think her refusal to walk down the aisle comes from the 11th commandment of the Midwest, "Thou Shalt Not Be Made a Fuss Over." Just for that, I'm posting a picture of her here. Ha! Nuggets of wisdom from the trip later.

Boobs, Week Six

27 treatments down, 6 to go. Whee! I decided to try going bra-less yesterday, and wore the softest t-shirt I own, instead. It happens to be a shirt that says HANG LOOSE - HAWAII. I am not making this up. Anyway, it was worth a shot, but didn't really help anything.

It's kind of funny when I show up too early or they are behind schedule at the radiaition oncologist. When they call me back, everyone else in the waiting room gets a really stunned look on their face, as if they expected me to show up there to wait for someone... or perhaps just for fun? The thing is, I am pretty young to be having radiation, and look a bit younger than I actually am (thanks mother nature!) so people get wiggy. Yesterday, there was an elderly man in a wheelchair who was talking to everyone else in the waiting room. He stared at me for a little bit, and then said, "You ain't seeing no doctah!" Then they called me back. I'm not sure if that experience made him feel better or worse about his own situation. I mean, sure, I'm going through this awfully early in life. But on the other hand, younger people are obviously much better-equipped to handle treatments that are a little tough on the body. Either way, I just enjoy shocking the hell out of people.

Must Be Our Lucky Day

Sign posted in the restaurant we ate at today:

Due to water restrictions in Cary, we are only able to serve water one time per week. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

We cautiously ordered water with our lunches, and got it without any problem. We're thinking about going back tomorrow, just to see what happens.

Boobs, Week Five

Dr. Hottie informs me that the extra-red, extra-itchy portions of Lefty are due to perspiration. In the meantime, it's fry-your-hands-on-the-steering-wheel hot here in North Carolina, and he kept me waiting half an hour in the office with broken air conditioning.

Telemarketers Are Invading My Voicemail

I have received numerous carpet cleaning advertisements in my home voicemail. They are fairly generic, and to me just mean that I don't actually have to tell someone no in person, all I have to do is push the delete button. If my mailbox were full of these, I would have to hunt them down and shoot them, of course.

At work, I have gotten a very disturbing voicemail telemarketer, twice. She says (paraphrased since it's already deleted):

Sam? This is Lisa. I think this message needs to go to the manager of the loan officers. Anyway, the reason I'm calling is... um... we've had hundreds of people log on to our website to find out about refinancing their mortgage, and I think that you should try to contact them. Please give me a call at 1-800....

OK. First of all, my outgoing message identifies me as Jennifer [last name] at [company name]. Secondly, leave me alone.

What the...

This cartoon is disturbing. I get the concept, but what the heck is going on in the second scenario, there? Looks dirty to me. Bad Lore.

At the Sushi Restaurant

Sometimes, the easiest jokes to make are the funniest.

Me: I mean, they have an inherently misogynistic culture...

Him: They give massages?!?!??

Boobs, Week 4

I itch and I can't scratch. Perfect. The growing... er, swelling... seems to be under control, which squelches my hope for a city-devouring body part. I guess my boob can do without the extra attention. After all, I have three whole doctors who are only focused on that one part of mine. That's a whole lot of people on my boob. No wonder it's swelling up, it's feeling all self-important and stuff.

On the Orange Juice Carton

"Enjoy as often as you like"

Wow, thanks orange juice people. I smell a law suit.

Revisions to the Military Alphabet

We work with someone who just got called up to active duty and will be shipped off somewhere, he can't say. Somewhere with turbans, we suspect. At any rate, he called the other day and repeated a number using "niner niner" at the end (military speak for 99). That made us wonder if he was going to start using the military alphabet to spell things, too. Just in case, we looked up what they would be. (A is Alpha, B is Bravo...) All told, there are two dances (Foxtrot and Tango), two literary characters (Romeo and Juliet), but only two that we really think exemplify the "typical" GI's world - Whisky and Kilo. Therefore, we believe that a new system should be instituted:(invaluable assistance by KelRocks...)

A = Alcohol

B = Beer

C = Condom

D = Drugs

E = Ecstacy

F = .... FOOZEBALL!

G = Grenade

H = Hazing

I = Indecency

J = Jarhead

K = Kilo (we'll leave that one)

L = Lap dance

M = Minors

N = Naked

O = Opium

P = Pawn shop

Q = Quarantine

R = Roofies

S = Sex

T = Tattoo

U = Underage

V = Veneral disease

W = Whiskey

X = X-rated

Y = Yo

Z = ZZZZZZ.... (what the hell starts with Z???)

Or Not

My doctor, who I have dubbed "Dr. Hottie" (oh yes, he is tasty), informs me that my boob will not actually eat a city. It's not growing, it's swelling. Whatever. He also told me that I should oil it up and massage it. I'm not making this up. On the surface, I was cool. Oh, really? OK. In my head, though, the porn music was playing. You look like you need a massage... bah de chick-a wah wah, bah de chick-a wah wah....

The Boob That Ate Manhattan

Lefty looks bigger than righty. Maybe I'm not going to get super powers from the radiation, but possibly my boob will become a world-wide menace that can only be stopped by saltwater. Rolling to a town near you.

Deep Fried

I start radiation therapy on Monday. I am supposed to get a "sun burn," which is a doctor euphemism for "radiation burn."

But I won't have super powers. At least, not any more than I already have. I was bummed out, because I would really like to be able to fly.

Strange Days at Wendy's

All I wanted was a Junior Cheeseburger Deluxe. That's all. After trying to give me the order belonging to the next car in line at the drive-thru, the INCREDIBLY ANGRY manager tried to "help" me out.

Mr. Angry: What did you have?

Me: Junior Cheeseburger Deluxe

Mr. Angry: Regular?

Me: (wasn't it deluxe?) What?

Mr. Angry: (thinks I'm deaf) REGULAR?????

Me: Um... yes?

Mr. Angry: Did you pay already?

Me: Yes! (hello?)

Mr. Angry: OK.

Telephonis Moronis

My direct number at work used to belong to a mortgage company. When my caller ID shows a number I don't recognize immediately, I generally answer with my company's name, just in case. And yet, 9 out of 10 people will just launch into what they intended to say, regardless of what I say. I would like to say "Pizza Hut," or something equally unmistakable, except that I don't always recognize our own clients' phone numbers right off the bat. And I wouldn't especially like to be unemployed.

Probably the funniest call I got was from the toner pirates. I get this term from one of my former jobs, where we got a call offering us toner at rock bottom prices, from some company with which we had never done business. Upon calling our copier rep, he said, "Them's toner pirates, honey!" The toner pirates called here, probably thinking they were calling the mortgage company, and asked for the serial number of my photocopier so they could get some toner out to me for a lower price than anybody else.

Me: We don't have a photocopier.

Pirate: You don't?

Me: No, the building owns them, we just use them.

Him: *click*

Sometimes, it's fun being me.

Bust of Homer

This is worth listening to. Several times. Heck, as many times as you want to listen to it. Screw the man! Penis. Hehe, penis.

You're Among the Little People Now

Sign seen on the way to the beach:

ELECT MIDGETT SHERIFF

OK, I know the explanation for this, but I don't care. I wanted to steal the sign. Just because.

Boobs, Part II

DCIS and you. Well, OK, DCIS and me. This is a very lovely form of pre-cancer that happened to be growing in my boob. What the hell is pre-cancer? Can you get pre-heartburn or pre-diabetes? Can you be pre-pregnant? At any rate, I have had several gnarly decisions to make in the last month or so. Oh yeah, did I mention that I'm also planning my wedding?

Decision number one: to amputate or not to amputate. OK, so I figure I might want my boob for later. If they're giving me a decision, and they feel like it's 6 of one and half-dozen of the other, I'm keeping it. See below, liking to keep my body parts for as long as I possibly can. This means 6-1/2 weeks, Monday-Friday, of radiation therapy, a nifty tattoo, a painful sunburn (er, radiation burn), and lots of follow-up mammograms. But hey, I still have a matched set.

Decision number two: drugs? I have the option to take tamoxifen, since my little guy fed on estrogen. This was a fairly simple decision. Just read the side effects. Let's see, birth defects, blod clots, strokes, endometrial tumors... wait, a cancer preventative drug causes cancer? Umm, OK I think I'll pass.

On the Way to Cheeseland

We flew through Cleveland to get to Madison, and as we flew over the city en route to the airport, definitely over Ohio... the woman behind us noticed the large body of water and pointed it out to her child.

Oooocean. Can you say ocean? Oooocean.

All I can say is, no wonder Americans are dumb. It's hereditary.

The Hint from Heloise for Today

Always make sure that the lid to the creamer is securely fastened BEFORE you shake well.

Frankenboob

I can't tell you how pleased I was to see what the surgeon had done to my poor boob when I took off the bandage. It is definitely Bride of Frankenstein material. Now, they may have to go back in for another round, which I can't imagine will sit well with the body as a whole. No, really, I took a poll of my organs, and they all concurred that surgery is bad. Nobody was really happy afterwards, least of all the boob. But the brain is in control, as usual, and has made valiant attempts to assuage everybody else. No, we need to have this done. We'll give you nice drugs to calm you down and stuff, would that be OK? Alright, now I don't want to hear any more complaints from you.

Television

USA has a movie show that is called 'Before and After'noon movie, where they remodel somebody's house, garden, whatever, in between showing the movie. I was watching the show the other day, where they were remodeling a woman's nursery because she was going to have twins. The movie? It was "A Family Torn Apart," loosely based on the Menendez brothers.

Boobs

Oh, sorry, did I disappoint you? Did you just put a search into Google that said BOOBS TITS HOOTERS or something equally prosaic? How about SEX HOT DIRTY SEX WITH MINORS? Well, you've found none of the above. Nyeah.

Anyway, I'm having one of my GIGANTIC TITS cut open tomorrow. Blah blah blah lump blah blah blah biopsy, blah blah blah. I've had a fibrous cyst in my other TITTY so I'm not overly concerned. Mostly, I would like for it to be over. They told me there are "suspicious calcifications" that will also need to be removed. I have assured them that nothing that lives in my VOLUPTUOUS BREAST is planning to take over the government, but they insist on taking out the calcifications anyway. Go figure. I will need to have a word with my body parts to stop acting suspicious, because I would like to retain most of my anatomy, if possible.

Ode to a Chat Room

As I sit and play my game, trying the achieve the American dream of getting money for nothing, I idly read the chat board. What do I find? Drama? Intrigue? No, I find more than that, even. I find prose that seems more to me like beat poetry, written by illiterates. The illiterati.

Oh dear, I have no idea of whom I am speaking to

do you what to go lol

kimberly are you stocking me

i didnt meanto do that why are you mad at me please dont go

Human drama, in incomplete run-on sentences. I am fascinated by it, and no matter how much I want to turn it off while I play, I find I cannot. Will Barbie20672 find any cute guys on today? Is anyone on from Maryland? I find I must know.

Ooga Booga

We're busting out our rain dances here in North Carolina. It seems completely wrong to have to hope for rain in a state that gets hurricanes. In a normal summer, you just hope that you can get where you're driving to without the sky opening up and shooting visibility all to hell.
"Are those tail lights?"
"Um, I dunno."
"Well, it's all I have to follow, so here goes."

But not this summer! This summer we have brown grass and watering restrictions. Also, it has been jungle hot, which is not exactly a new thing. Bah. I'm going to the beach.

How Carlin-esque

On my way to work today, I ended up driving behind a casket company truck. That in and of itself was enough to give one pause. On the back of the truck, it said, "Please Drive Safely." Isn't that bad for business?

My cat is adorable. We have raised him right. Doesn't he sort of look like an alien, though? Or some sort of weird insect? It's the eyes. Also, he has removed his left eyebrow since this picture was taken. He does that on occasion; he dislikes symmetry.

Lucky Me

I just had my first mammogram. I would like to say that I was calm, cool, and collected. I, in fact, was not. In fact, I was a whiny little biatch trying to maybe talk them out of having to perform this test. Nobody told me how overwhelmingly large the machine was, for one thing. Why that made a difference, you will have to ask my whiny little inner biatch. Now I just hope that my insurance will pay for it. Damn it.

I Didn't Do It

We have had a myriad of problems recently with other firms not taking responsibility for doing their jobs. On the up side, we have gotten lots of work since these firms have been blacklisted by one of our clients. On the down side, we have to deal with them to try and figure out what they were supposed to be doing with the files. The most original excuse we have heard recently for incompetence is "my secretary broke her knee!" I have begun to use this phrase in everyday conversation. It has a certain something.

I Feel Your Pain

The last people to have our phone number were Chinese. We only know this because of the telemarketers that call.

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: blah blah blah blah Ni hao!

Me: You have the wrong number.

Telemarketer: Oh, so sorry.

Also I got a marketing call from the Wall Street Journal, who asked to speak with Mr. Wang. But then he figured it was a prank, since the first name was Yu. Yu Wang? Hey, it could happen. At any rate, I have a lot of sympathy for
this guy. Mr. Zabel, I salute you.

World News

I really enjoy NPR. I try to leave later for work so I can listen to the BBC news. OK, I just like to sleep late. Listening to the BBC news is an entirely different experience than listening to news from a domestic source. For one thing, they hardly ever mention things happening in the good old U.S. of A. This is because we are not doing anything exciting. I know some may beg to differ, but finding Chandra's remains just does not hold a candle to starting a war with your nuclear-weapons-bearing neighbor country. I bet we could get mentioned if we declared war on Canada, what do you think?

This man looks like a monkey.

Service Please!

I don't enjoy getting bad service in a restaurant. But I also don't enjoy getting all snitty with the waitstaff. Who does this help? Honestly, it ruins my meal more hearing everyone at the table badmouth the waiter than simply not getting a re-fill of my water or not having silverware right away when the food comes. If I have to wait half an hour for my food, I don't want to spend it hearing people complain. Maybe I'm too soft, I mean, I was a waitress once and a very very bad one at that. Of course, I had some strange things happen. Once I apparently lost an eyelash in someone's orange juice. I have no control over my follicles, sorry. Once there was a spider crawling on somebody's lettuce in their BLT. Fresh from the garden, Ma'am! Anyway, I cut waitstaff a break, or I try to. Especially the cute boys. Don't go spouting off that I'm sexist, I know guys do it for cute waitresses too, I'm sure it balances out.

My Heart Will Go On

I actively dislike Celine Dion. I have trouble watching interviews with her without rolling my eyes and/or saying nasty things to the television. My mother likes her, mostly because she used to sing in French, and it's difficult to find French music that's accessible to high school students. But you have to keep in mind that my mother also enjoys Kenny G.

Thank God for Breast Men

It helps to avoid the pesky need for monthly self exams.

Ten reasons why Super Jen totally rules:

1) Can negotiate with machines. Bring her your photocopiers, your hole punchers, your ornery staplers. She will make them want to work for you.

2) Will tell you if you have food in your teeth. Will also point out your fashion faux pas, if it is for your own good.

3) Is not afraid to go out in public without any makeup and/or without bathing.

4) Will not ridicule you for staying with Mr. Wrong. Much.

5) Can listen to your problems without trying to solve them. Sometimes the best superhero power is knowing when not to try and be a superhero.

6) Always has gum.

7) Will not flaunt extensive database of trivial information in her brain.

8) Knows where all the cool toys are online. Owns many cool toys offline.

9) Has superlative grammar. Can sometimes spell.

10) When activated, highly sophisticated emitter in boobies can attract every penis-bearer within 5-mile radius.