Dude, You Should Totally Ask Her Out

I just walked past the office of an attorney down the hall, and did that glance in thing - you know, you're casually strolling past, and you just casually look in there, even though you have absolutely no business looking. I think it's instinctual, this compulsion to be completely aware of what's behind door numbers 1, 2, and 3. I mean, if the caveman didn't glance into every cave he passed, he could be lunch, right?

Anyway, the attorney was on the phone, as is normal for attorneys, I'm learning. So here he is talking to a client, presumably, and he's all curled up sideways in his chair with his feet dangling over his desk. I fully expected to hear him giggle and say, "So what did she say about me? Does she think I'm cute?" I think that seeing that will give me new perspective the next time I have to make a work-related telephone call.

Of All the Luck

The asshole who cut me off in traffic this morning, you know the one, the one who waits until the lanes are merging and then decides that he has to be right in front of you at the last minute? Yeah. I was behind him after that point, and even though he was going about 20 miles over the speed limit, ended up behind him once we exited. Then, he turned where I turned. Then, he pulled into my parking lot and parked.

Now, as upset as I was when he cut me off, I was ecstatic in equal part when he ended up at my destination. I mean, how often do you get the chance to actually see the guy that drives like that? Not only that, but possibly to hold the door for him as he enters the building? I hurried out of my car, if only to be able to point out to him that cutting me off didn't get him in the door any faster.

I think he was on to me. He didn't even get out of the car until I was in the building, and then suddenly he had something very interesting in the trunk of his car that he had to look at. In retrospect, I guess it was all for the best.

Ow

My back hurts. I think I hurt it trying to pull wet clothes out of the washing machine, which sound incredibly wussy, but there you have it. I hurt it Sunday, and it got better and better and then yesterday got worse again. It's funny how your perspective changes when there's a persistent voice in the back of your head saying "ow ow ow ow ow." Activities that I didn't even think twice about I now dread. I think it got worse yesterday because I went to the grocery store for a few things and - *gasp* - walked around some. Sneezing really sucks. Also, coughing, drying my hair, feeding the cat... bleah.

I made a phone call to a massage therapist that works in the same building that I do. I had to hang up the first time because I was laughing at how funny his British accent sounded saying MAA-sage. But I overcame. We are still playing phone tag, but hopefully he will be able to make me stand upright again. It has been very embarrassing to walk around the building like I'm 80 - I have developed this little waddle that feels pretty good but looks so ridiculous I want to laugh as I walk around. But laughing hurts.

Ten Movies Flock Thinks You Should See

Yes, you. Flock has seen more movies than you. No, I don't care who you are or where you work or any of that other crap, he has seen more movies. Just trust me on this one. I have paraphrased his reasons below, since we hashed this out verbally in my living room. And no, Flock is not his real name. It's a long story. Forget that, check out these movies:

1. Citizen Kane He didn't have much to add about this one, except that you can't miss it for the young Orson Welles, and even if you know about Rosebud, the journey is what makes this movie great.

2. The Godfather The first two, really. If he had room, Goodfellas would have made it, too.

3. Seven Samurai Every western you have seen is based on this movie, the granddaddy of them all. If you have already seen Star Wars, you can see where the inspiration was obtained. Yeah, I'm going to geek hell for that one. I don't care.

4. Andrei Rublyov This one everyone should try and get through. It is long. And in Russian with subtitles. But what makes it all worth it is the emotional impact it has on you once you have finished.

5. Gone with the Wind Although he had seen it before, he caught this when they re-released it in theaters, also. Watching this movie, you forget that they made it in the 30's. Well-made, and the epic of all epics, everyone should have it at least on their viewing resume.

6. Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb This, if you haven't seen it, is the one everyone in the world has seen that one part of. You know, the part where the guy jockeys up on the falling bomb? It's also very funny, and one of Kubrick's best films.

7. Taxi Driver He didn't have much comment about this, except that it's a great movie. If nothing else, see Jodie Foster before she lost all her baby teeth.

8. 2001: A Space Odyssey One of the rare movies where the script doesn't get in the way of the movie. This movie was done way before any of the special effects technology caught up to how Kubrick wanted it to look. With painstaking attention to detail, they created what would be the most expensive movie of all time if it were done with today's technology. It shows.

9. Children of Paradise At first, I thought he was talking about City of the Lost Children, which is also French, but no. This movie is an epic film on par with Gone with the Wind, but takes place in 1800's France. They actually made this movie under the nose of the Germans right before France was occupied in WWII.

10. The Third Man A film noir mystery. Good eats.

11. Our amplifiers go all the way to eleven! OK, he couldn't finish the list without adding Alfred Hitchcock movies. Start maybe with Vertigo, move on to Psycho, The Birds, Rear Window, Shadow of a Doubt... yeah, the biggest problem he had was with limiting the list to ten.

I am ashamed to admit that I have only seen three of these movies, so obviously I have my work cut out for me. Perhaps if I didn't spend so much time playing Dark Age of Camelot...

Is This Thing On?

Yes! I'm back, had a lot of extraneous activity for a bit, there, but I need to write some stuff down before I completely forget about it. So, let me talk about our trip to Florida over the MLK week-end. Some of us (but not me) get that Monday off, so we decided we would go and visit my fiance's grandmother in Daytona Beach. He hadn't seen her in roughly twenty years, which is a long story, but we figured it was about time. Since we are about eight hours away by car, we decided to drive.

Sightings from the road:

There is a Welcome Center in South Carolina that is smack dab in the MIDDLE of the state. There is NO WAY that the Welcome Center is welcoming anyone who hasn't been in the state for at least a couple of hours. My thought was they are welcoming all the incoming paratroopers, or the crash-landing aliens.

Speaking of South Carolina, I finally laid eyes on South of the Border. There are signs for this thing all the way into North Carolina along I-95, but I had never actually seen this monstrosity of tourism. The worst part is that we didn't have time to stop. I want to visit the monstrosity! Maybe some other time. I hear they have ashtrays with pictures of Elvis on the bottom that even the non-smokers can't resist buying.

So, we made it to "Florida," or so they claim. It was between 30 and 40 degrees almost the entire time we were there, including the day we spent walking around outside in St. Augustine. Probably the most humorous part of this is that the Floridians apologized for the weather. Then the day we left (naturally) it was in the 70s. I know this, because everyone we met told us. "It's nice today!" "It's in the 70s! Too bad it's windy." I have never heard people talk about the weather this much. Something in the water, maybe.

We had a good time with granny. She had cancer in her throat some time ago, so doesn't speak above a whisper, and eats through a tube. All the same, she seems to have boundless energy and practically leapt around her home, cooking us so much food I thought I was going to go into food coma every time we ate. The problem with having someone cook for you that can't eat is that there is absolutely no tolerance for leftovers. She's a good cook, however, and everything was really delicious. We played penny-ante poker, and while we had our lucky moments, I believe she would have cleaned us out if we had stayed longer.

Do You Hear the Lambs, Clarice?

If you have a list of ten movies everyone should see, feel free to email them to me, still. My email address is at left, all code-like to avoid the evil spammers (hopefully).

Speaking of evil, there is a guy in our office building that has been creeping me out ever since he got here. If the police suspected that a serial killer was renting in our building, I would know EXACTLY who to point to, assuming that my safety was guaranteed. He is maybe a little old for "the profile" that they talk about in the movies, but he is very quiet, nondescript, keeps to himself, etc. Also, he will dig through every candy dish in the building to find the gold-wrapped Brachs candies. He will go to every dish, take ALL the candy out of it, and mumble to himself the whole time. I have seen the work he gives to the our shared secretary, and he literally cuts up other letters he's written and pastes the sentences onto a new piece of paper for her to type. He will then underline parts of them in pen. They look like ransom notes to me, and I'm sure she has her reservations. The other day, I walked to the kitchen and he was standing in front of the door, just staring in. I politely said, "excuse me," as I edged cautiously around him, and he looked startled, walked into the kitchen, and proceeded to stand in front of the soda machine, staring. As Strongbad would say, "That guy gives me the jibblies." Jibbly.

Dave's Ten Movies Everyone Should See

This means you.

I have known Dave since high school, and he has always been interested in literature, movies, drama, you name it. Hopefully, he still writes in his spare time, other than the vastly entertaining emails that he sends me (and other people too). Furthering his credentials, he managed a movie rental place for a bit, which means he has seen many more movies than I have. If some of his descriptions sound a bit touchy-feely, that's as a result of the San Francisco atmosphere he's breathing. Heh. I would like to point out that not only does Dave read what I write, he reads for content. You have to respect that in a friend.

1. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back: I'd like to count the original trilogy as one movie, but picked this because a) it's the best of the current 5, and b) it's cheating--if a Star Wars virgin sees just this one, they will be obligated by forces of natural curiosity to see the other two. References to this movie abound in culture so much that one needs to be familiar with the story to prevent becoming a social pariah.

2. Ferris Bueller's Day Off: it reminds everyone of what it's like to be young and to seize the day. The kids aren't carefree--indeed real teen angst about relationships, college, et all pervades the film--but it demonstrates that those worries can be set aside, if only for a day.

3. The Breakfast Club: I wanted to let only Ferris represent the genre, but The Breakfast Club details class strife so well that it needed a shout-out. Nobody uses a pop movie to discuss the caste system as well as John Hughes, and no movie does it better than this. Plus, I think it's useful for society as a whole to know that 'Claire' is a fat girl's name.

4. Airplane: you can't watch it and not laugh (again, and again, and again) but the comedy comes in 2-5 layers PER SHOT. Hopefully people will walk away recognizing that life has complexity, but, more importantly, you should always look for the joke.

5. Dances With Wolves: nature is beautiful; destroying it is bad.

6. Trainspotting: if you take enough drugs and hang out with enough drug-users, you'll eventually end up grinning over a bridge with a sack full of cash. No... wait... drugs are bad! If you take enough drugs you'll see spirit visions of the baby you killed climb across your ceiling. Actually, it's just a good story of another culture and it uses music beautifully to help tell its story (I'm thinking specifically of "It's Just a Perfect Day...")

7. Pulp Fiction: no excuses, just a wonderfully entertaining movie. The only morals I can think are (again) drugs, organized crime, and pawn shops are bad. And it's not a motorcycle, baby. It's a chopper.

8. Holiday Inn: even black & white movies can be good! Irving Berlin wrote "White Christmas" for Bing to sing in this movie, and no one should die without seeing Fred Astaire glide across a floor as though he were on ball bearings.

9. The Shining: this movie uses brilliant suspense, contains a brilliant story, and has the best steady-cam big-wheel shot I've ever seen in my life. It's good to be scared every once in a while (vicariously, at least) and it teaches one never to disturb someone else when they're writing--good lesson. Ed. note: That's right. All work and no play make Super Jen all crazy.

10. Dead Poets Society: I know people have problems with this flick, and that's fine, but don't underestimate the utility of the life choice Carpe Diem. It also discusses the benefits (and punishments) of resisting totalitarianism, introduced a new generation to the sweaty-toothed madman, Whitman, and above all, teaches you to think for yourself.

Ten Movies Everyone Should See

I decided that I wasn't going to try and tackle something like "The Ten Best Movies of ALL TIME" like one of those corny VH1 shows (that I love watching, don't get me wrong). But let's face it, I do not have the time or the resources to watch every single movie ever made and make that sort of judgement call. So, I decided to list ten movies that I think everyone should see, whether it is because they are good movies, or just to increase cultural IQ. I encourage anyone (anyone?) who reads this to email me your list, and I will post it here. And like me, you don't need to have any credentials whatsoever. Whee! So here are mine, in no particular order.

1. The Breakfast Club - this is one of those cultural relevance ones, if you're wondering.

2. Dirty Harry. I only recently watched this movie. Not only does it have GREAT lines (including the one that everyone already knows), it feels like a documentary about what 70's movies are all about.

3. Star Wars. Speaking of the 70's... even if you "don't like Sci-Fi movies," watch the first one. At least you'll be able to correctly identify wookie impressions.

4. Lord of the Rings. Same advice as #3. Also, I realized that all my movies were old. So here's a new one.

5. So I Married an Axe Murderer - If only to witness the Scottish comedy in the middle, oh so worth sitting through the rest of it. A rare Mike Myers vehicle in that it contains very little if any potty humor.

6. Braveheart. This way I have my epic bases covered. Yeah, I liked Gladiator, but this one wins that little duel, at least for me.

7. Pulp Fiction... unless you don't like cursing with your movies. That's the only complaint I have ever heard about this movie.

8. Monty Python and the Holy Grail. You'll thank me when the office geek starts quoting it. Believe me.

9. The Princess Bride. This movie makes me smile.

10. The Blues Brothers. Nothing like an original. Music superstars galore, and lot of quotable lines.

Another Mystery Solved

A couple networks are struggling to answer that nagging question, "How long do you have to wait after a tragedy before you can profit by putting out a made for TV movie about it?" The answers vary, however. Some say a year and a half, while others are a little more conservative and say heck, let's wait a full four years. Wow, I'm glad they have that figured out.

Carolina Christmas

It was 70 degrees the other day. Naturally, it was pouring down rain. Even umbrellas were futile, given that the wind was blowing so hard. I think I would prefer some nice snow, thanks. Then my fiance could actually get some time off work. His company is so crazy they wouldn't even say "don't come in" during the ice storm when they HAD NO POWER. They left a series of messages that said check back in another two hours, check back at noon, check back at 3:00, then finally they figured the power wasn't coming back on. The message then said, "The building is without power. If you have things that are of critical importance that you can do by the light of the window, come in." I was pretty much speechless - which is rare for me, believe me. Yeah, so the streets are icy, there is ice falling off the buildings and the trees that could seriously injure you, you are probably without power and heat at your house... but come in if there's something that the company really needs you to do, K? Sheesh.

I'm Calling the Cop!

This service may not do anything at all to stop spammers, but it sure makes me feel better. Especially when I read the report from Spam Cop and see "Yum, this spam is fresh!" Mmm, fresh spam. For me to poop on!

Fran on Ice

I suppose I could share some things about the recent ice storm that hit North Carolina. (See pictures here.) Frankly, the only thing that comes to mind is "Wow, that sucked pretty hard." We were among the fortunate, though, we had power the whole time, it just flickered randomly. We had also purchased the new expansion for our crack... er, I mean... video game, so we were content save the occasional reboot due to flaky power. We would get up every so often to go look out the window at the tree that is now leaning over our porch, threatening to crush it like a grape. A grape porch. My feeling on this ice storm, along with many of the major hurricanes that pass through this area, is that it is [your deity of choice]'s way of saying YOU HAVE TOO MANY FREAKIN' TREES! Natural selection for the arbors. That sort of thing. Speaking as someone who spent an entire day recently trying to rake up all the leaves in my yard, I say, good idea.

It Had to Happen Eventually

I am 30 years old. Nobody is more surprised than I am about that. Mostly, I have been a little waffly about how I'm taking this. That's right, waffly. I have had some advice from people who have already gone through this, and it has likewise been mixed. I think the advice I liked the most is that this is the year at which one starts to come into one's own. A self-actualization milestone.

I just hope that nobody expects me to act like a grownup.

And Back to Politics Briefly


I believe
This comic pretty much sums it up. Thankyouverymuch.

Call Me Ripley

The last couple days I have had a fairly intense pain located just below my rib cage. I don't know, is that the solar plexus? Anyone? After considering several possibilities of what this might be, I have decided that I am host to an alien. My only question now is should I be eating for two? Also, do aliens prefer coffee or tea? Perhaps a nice danish?

Slow News Day

I would like to preface this by saying that we didn't have any tornadoes in North Carolina this week-end. Sure, they thought we might, and the weather took lives not too far from here. But mostly it just rained.

That being said, I think the news coverage went just a bit overboard on this whole weather topic. My fiance, being an employee of a bank, got yesterday off. He said that every five minutes there was a weather update to say OH MY GOD IT'S RAINING! RAIN HITS THE TRIANGLE! HEAVY RAIN! WE MIGHT HAVE A TORNADO! and then five minutes later STILL RAINING! RUN FOR COVER! THE SKY APPEARS TO BE FALLING! Now, this may be big news since we had a drought all summer. They didn't ever get to tell us about rain, and they saved it all up.

The other complaint I have is that there were about five accidents blocking traffic this morning because during the drought everyone forgot how to drive in rain. At least that's my theory. Did they bring us traffic every 15 minutes? Every 30? No! Traffic at 8:00, then HEAVY RAIN HITS THE TRIANGLE every 15 minutes thereafter. Hey, bozo, I can look out the window and tell that it's raining. Tell me where traffic is actually getting through.

The Carnival

When we went to the outer banks of North Carolina with my family this summer, we had great fun with the word Ocracoke. Specifically, with my father's insistence on pronouncing it "Orchid Choke". I made the analogy that his brain was like a carnival ride. The word pays admission at his ear and goes in, but by the time it comes out his mouth it is so dizzy from being on the rides in there it has no shot of being correctly pronounced.

To some, that can sound like criticism. The thing is, I wouldn't have it any other way. One of the funniest memories I have is of being in a hotel room in France somewhere with the four of us, listening to my father read the fire safety instructions in German. OK, not exactly German. But that's what made it so funny. I think my brother and I hiccuped for about an hour afterwards. Painful, but worth it. Totally. Dad may not have been granted an ear for languages, but in its stead he has been granted great humor, a real desire to help people, and a gift to put people at ease, even complete strangers. We can't go anywhere with him without running into somebody that he knows, and who wants to talk to him at length. People gravitate towards him; he is everyone's friend.

Happy Birthday, Dad. I love you.

Must... Not... Snap...

In the "Ten Items or Less" aisle this afternoon, the woman in front of me was buying 30 cans of Fancy Feast(R) catfood. Yeah, like that counts as one item. Well, it would have in my book if the cashier didn't have to stand there and count them and then SCAN ONE CAN THROUGH 30 TIMES. Beep. Beep. Beep. Ooops, missed it that time, try again. Beep. Then the customer paid with a check and had to read her driver's license number to the cashier. When it was finally my turn, the cashier asked me if I would like to stand there and fill out an application for a Winn-Dixie savings card. NO! Does the fact that I am standing in the express lane make you think I would like to hang out in the grocery store all afternoon?

In general, though, I am liking that grocery store more and more. First, they are across the street from the office. Also, they actually have an organic foods section. This is part of my cancer prevention, eating more organic foods, more fruits and vegetables, more whole grains, less partially hydrogenated oils, less dairy, no MSG, that sort of thing. Winn-Dixie even carries Amy's Kitchen(R) frozen foods. If you have not tried them, you are foolish. They are tastier than Lean Cuisine(R) and Healthy Choice(R) frozen foods put together. Also, I would wager that all the so-called healthy choice dinners have things in them that are not on my new healthy diet. I think they should be required to put the healthy in quotation marks.

Sightings on Highway 40

The onion truck: a small pickup truck going under the speed limit with its hazard lights on. There were huge bags full of onions hanging off the back, and boxes of onions below those. As I passed him, I noticed that even the passenger seat was full of onions. That man likes his onions.

The paradox: a small black car with lots of bumper stickers on the back. One read "VAMPIRE." OK, I get that, some kind of goth with a delusion. One of the others read "VEGAN AND I VOTE." OK, a vegan vampire? Either this vampire is starving to death, or it drinks the blood of poor innocent vegetables.

Intimidating

This morning I was behind a pickup truck on my way to work. When I got closer, I noticed that it had a decal across the back that said INTIMIDATOR, and a number 3 in the back window. Not really surprising, since Dale Earnhardt's following in North Carolina was, to say the least, rabid. I remember hearing a woman on the news shortly after his death saying that she had been a fan of his for all of her 21 years and just didn't know what she was going to do now. The only thing that bothered me about the pickup truck was that as I got closer, I realized that right in the middle of his "intimidator" decal was a picture of... Betty Boop. Yeah, I have always been intimidated by her.